My Dear, Sweet Brendan,
Hey there, sweet boy. This is your birth mother, Alicia, writing you a letter to tell you how special and dear you are to me. You can never know the love that I have deep inside my heart and soul for you, and I hope that some day, I will be able to tell you this while holding you in my arms. It saddens me so much that I am not able to be a big part of your every day life, watching you learn about the world and discovering all the joys and hardships life has to offer. At the same time, I want you to know that I have done my best in finding these two wonderful angels who will be there in my place to guide you and protect you and love you for me.
Michael and Greta are my personal angels, Brendan, and I need to express to you that there were no better parents that I could find for you. I knew from the very beginning that they could and would love you just as much, if not more, than I could and that they can provide you with all the things that I couldn’t, or that I would struggle so hard to provide for you. I have such big hopes and dreams for you and your future, Brendan. I see baseball games and amusement parks, family gatherings and picnics, proms, dates and college. Not to mention lots and lots of people who, before you were even born, were praying for you and loving you. I know that you will be blinded with love every day of your life. This makes me so extremely happy.
Today you are four days old. We parted company for the first time in nine months yesterday. The last few months I have tried and tried to sit down and write you a letter to explain to you why I’ve made the decision I did, but I just couldn’t. I don’t know how to put into words just how lost I felt in the very beginning, how from the first moment I found out I was pregnant that I loved you and wanted you and would do anything I could to ensure that you had a happy, healthy, loving life. During all this I was struggling with your two brothers, Trevor and Taylor, alone and scared, everyday struggling to pay bills and work and go to school and give them the love that they so desperately needed and still, at the end of the day, having Trevor ask me why his daddy doesn’t like him or come for bike rides with him, asking when he can have new shoes because his feet hurt and asking if he can have just a little more food ‘cause I’m still hungry.’ Taylor, being so little and sick with his asthma all the time and needing extra love and attention and having to sleep with me, his mom, because he doesn’t have his own bed. All these things every day and me wondering if I’ll ever be able to make just a little bit extra each month so that I can start putting away for their future, maybe to send just one to college? And that’s if we never try to save up for a car or a house. Me, just always trying so hard to make a life for my babies, my sweet boys who love me so, so much and at the end of the day going to bed knowing that at least they know that I LOVE THEM TOO. Love is all that matters, right? And then back to you. Just starting to form, a little heart beat deep inside my belly, and me having all those expectations of wanting to do everything right for you. Needing to do everything right for you.
Brendan, you need to know that I thought of all of my options thoroughly, I even thought about working three jobs, putting you in daycare right away – even if you saw me only an hour a day, at least I could tell you, as I do Trevor and Taylor that I love you so that you would know. But then I took a hard look at Trevor and Taylor. Yes, they know that their mama loves them, but they have had such hard little lives – moving all the time, daycare ten hours a day, not having a good relationship with their father and sometimes having to go to bed a little hungry because my paycheck is still two days away. They are only two and four years old, but they are already having to deal with grown up situations every day. I could not do this to yet another child. So, this is why I chose to find people that could give you everything that I hoped and wished and prayed that I would one day be able to offer my children. A mom AND a dad. Financial security. No daycare. NO worries other than that of being a normal child. And of course, lots and lots of family and LOVE.
This brings me to Michael and Greta. I knew as soon as I talked to them for the first time that they were the ones. Greta is so open and loving and educated and smart. She has a sense of humor very close to my own and has a sense of calmness and openness that I instantly related to. With Michael, I got the impression right away that he would make the kind of father that I always wished Trevor and Taylor had. Sensitive, compassionate, loving, funny and masculine all at the same time. He’s not afraid to cry when he needs to cry, and his family is always number one. They both fulfill my dreams of what I some day hope to become.
I had the pleasure of being there for the first two days of Michael and Greta’s new life as parents. I got to see them hold you and love you and learn to care for you. I watched them become sleep deprived because you didn’t want to be put down at night, learning how to change you without getting pooped or peed on, figuring out when you needed to be burped, and I got to listen to them talk to you when they thought I was sleeping or not paying attention – telling you how much they love you and, oh God Brendan, just the look of absolute adoration and love that they hold in their eyes for you is just like looking into the eyes of God as he looks down upon us, his children.
Sweet, sweet baby boy, please always know that every day of your life I will think of you and love you. Each day of my life, I will wonder what you are doing and how you are feeling and praying for you to always feel love. Every March 22nd will be so special to me, and you can bet that I will find y own way of celebrating your birth. I want you to know that my door is always open to you, should you decide to meet me and Trevor and Taylor. I would never turn away from you. You will always be my son.
I love you Brendan.
Letter written by a birthmother to her son who was placed for adoption on March 22, 2004. Names have been changed to protect everyone’s privacy.
read more Letters from Birthmothers.....
