WHAT KIND OF RELATIONSHIP SHOULD WE HAVE WITH OUR BIRTHMOTHER?
Carol Gindi
There is no typical open adoption relationship. You may feel a close kinship to
each other, a warm friendship, an uncomfortable or even a conflictual
association. You may contact each other by mail, telephone or in person. The
actual degree of closeness is not determined by the contact you have with each
other, although it may be one of the influences. There are many relationships
conducted on a limited level of contact, yet the participants felt that they
knew each other. There are other adoption relationships where the Birthparents
and adoptive parents see each other regularly, but have not progressed beyond
being polite to one another. If your relationship is not like the ideal
relationship you have heard about, do not automatically conclude that there is
something wrong. As long as everyone's needs are met, especially the child's,
and as long as the relationship is not based on fear, distrust or anger, your
choice for an open adoption relationship may be fine just as it is.
Nevertheless, if you think your relationship can be more meaningful, do not be
afraid to put more energy into it.
Many open adoptions are cordial, but somewhat reserved. For most people,
telephone calls have become the preferred mode of communication. Even people
who telephone or visit each other sometimes feel detached. They say, "we
have nothing in common but the child." Adoptive parents often tend to
concentrate on reporting the child's milestones to the birthparents.
Sometimes people feel distant from each other because although they get along,
one of them may not have the skills necessary to build a close relationship.
Birthparents who have not faced their loss may find it troubling to be around
the adoptive family.
Sometimes the adoptive parents' unresolved infertility keeps them from
developing a sense of entitlement that would allow them to relax around the
birthparents. Feeling threatened, they may be unusually sensitive to any signs
not viewed as the child's "authentic" parents. They may look for
reasons to cut off contact with the birthparents.
People are prone to recreating the relationships they knew in their families of
origin. If relationships in families are healthy, the prospects of your open
adoption relationship being meaningful are increased.
Many open adoption relationships have a warmth that comes from having shared a
common difficulty, allowing yourself to be vulnerable to another human being
and responding to that person's vulnerability, and being committed to a common
goal. The Birthparents may seem like good friends of the family or an aunt and
uncle. There is a caring for one another. Many people in open adoption
relationships gather on holidays, the child's birthday and for other special
occasions, just as families do. However, just as not all family members are
equally close, not every open adoption will produce a deep relationship.
Sometimes emotional intimacy does not develop in a relationship because it is
not an equal relationship. The adoptive parents usually have more control in
the relationship than the birth parents. Unless they are able to reach out to
the birthparents in ways that enable the birthparents to feel they are
participating in the relationship and not at the mercy of the adoptive parents'
goodwill, the relationship will not progress beyond courteousness.
Sometimes, however, members of the birth family do not want or understand the
need to maintain a relationship with the adoptive family because they have not
had enough information about open adoption. They may not want to get attached
to the child because they are afraid they will be hurt if the adoptive parents
cut off contact with them.
Like all relationships, your open adoption will have peaks and valleys. As you
overcome each hurdle, you will learn what to expect from each other and will
gain confidence in your ability to make the relationship work.
Growing up in Open Adoption...
Children can obtain medical, social and historical information about their
families of origin.
Children can have access to valuable information as they develop a personal
identity, such as who they look like and what kinds of abilities might be
genetically influenced.
Children can learn about their ethnic or racial heritage.
Children can channel their energy into other aspects of personal development
when they do not have to struggle to obtain information about themselves as
they grow up.
Children can feel a greater sense of control because they have access to
answers to their questions. Children have fewer missing pieces about who they
are, and they can deal with reality rather than fantasy.
Adoptive Parents may be better able to meet their children's emotional needs
because they have had to work through their own feelings about the Birthparents
by having a relationship with them. This can leave Adoptive Parents feeling
more secure in their parenting role and in their relationships with their
children.
When Allan and I began our adoption journey, we had no desire to have any
continuing relationship with our Birthmother. God forbid we have this threat in
our lives. Never.
MORE ARTICLES
The Blessing of Infertility
Carol Gindi
The Magical Match
Carol Gindi
The Royal Prince
Carol Gindi
Making A Difference: Big or Small?
Allan Gindi
Email or call 1-800-FOR-ADOPT in confidence!
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"The most precious moment was when Jocelyn was put into my arms at birth and Lauren, the birth mom said Congratulations MOM... What a gift that was!" - Michelle Key
